Taco! Burrito! What's that Coming out of Your Speedo?

Here are two insane email-related things that I need to record for posterity...

1) I opened my Hotmail this evening, and instead of getting my inbox, I got a weird splash page with the following message:

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this lBurger?

·"Now thats a fire!"
·"Ice cream!"

For over a thousand years Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of triumph, a tumultuous parade. The conquerors rode in a trimphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him.Pizza?
Sometimes his children robed in white stoodwith him in the chariot or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror holding a golden crown and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.Burrito?

I should point out that each of the food references were a link to nowhere.

Any computer nerds know what that's about? Initially, I was worried it was a virus, but nothing much happened when I hit the continue button. Is this just some 16-year-old hacker nerd having a bit of a party or should I be worried that my computer has been taken over by Ancient Roman ghosts? TELL ME.

2) Lindsay wrote me an email to my Gmail account, which talked about a variety of things. Mostly about the kids in her new classroom. As you probably know, Gmail scans emails for key words and then displays content-related advertisements on the side. Most of the ads in Lindsay's email had to do with books on Dealing With Angry Children and Raising Happy Kids, but one of the ads was this:

Sad
Sad for sale. aff Check out the deals now!
www.eBay.com

I think anyone selling sad would go out of business pretty quickly, no matter how rock-bottom the price.

There's too much of it already and it's free.

(Now playing: "Paper Bag", Fiona Apple. Thank you, Zach Braff.)