Wednesday, October 26, 2005

My Breast Intentions

I sometimes name things to make them less scary/intimidating.

When my friends Jenny, Meghann, Sera and Kelly all got together and bought me My First Vibrator (a Rabbit Pearl, a la Sex and the City) several years ago, I was scared of it. It sat around for a few days before I gathered the courage to give it a go. But first...I named it. I named it because, even though it was pink and squishy and hilarious-looking, it freaked me out a little. So I gave it the least threatening name I could possibly think of: Little Bunny Foo Foo.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

With the help of some vanilla candles and David Bowie records, LBFF and I became fast friends!

Which brings me to another topic that is also intensely personal and should not really be blogged about. That being my recently-reduced breasts. They will one day be lovely. Currently, they are angry with me. They itch. They ache. They ooze. They bleed. They are still a mite swollen. I hate looking at them/handling them at this point.

But look at them I must. Handle them I must.

So, not unlike that trashy woman in the film Uncle Buck, I have named my new-and-improved breasts.

The left one, I call Itchy McWonkynip.

The right one, Oozy "The Destroyer" Fondlington.

Together, they are known as The Frankenboobs.

We will be friends.

Someday.

Soon.

I hope.

(Now playing: "Scarlet Lady", Honeybus)

17 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Sofi. That's normal - I've named mine too (Mary Kate and Ashley, or together, the twins). It's great when my best friend e-mails me articles about the Olsen twins and their celebrity. You know, stuff like "Mary Kate and Ashley take Manhattan". It's this great little inside joke. Well, it was.:)

Amber

8:13 PM  
Blogger Sofi said...

I can't wait to see you so as to call your lovely lady lumps by name!

9:48 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

SOFI I MISS YOU!! Your new boobs sorta sound like Mexican wrestlers, but in a good way. I name my plants, but that's about it. The tiny new spiderplant in my office is General M. Just 'cause you need to know these things.

2:09 AM  
Anonymous Daphna said...

Dear Sofi,

I think that song about lady lumps is the worst pile of shit on the radio today. Worst pile of shit on the TV too, as the video is downright awful. Actually, the soon-to-be-released Cyndi Lauper/Sarah McLauchlan acoustic duet of "Time after Time" is the worst song on the airwaves today, thanks to CBC Radio One. Some host played it yesterday, and it made my ears bleed. Which is sad, because I love the original version.

Just so you know what I think about what's on the radio these days.

Hugs (gentle ones, so as not to upset the Frankenboobs)

Daphna

9:21 AM  
Blogger Christine Estima said...

mcwonkynip and foddlington.

hilarious, girl!

btw, you have to help me name my vibrator now.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Sofi said...

Daph: My lovely co-worker Andrew has been banned from playing "My Humps" on pain of death.

Chrissy: Is that the same vibe that Robin "Fucking" Black signed?

5:41 PM  
Blogger Christine Estima said...

you know it!

er-wait . . . i forgot about that. maybe i should stop using it ...

6:58 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

The more I hear about your reduction, Sofi, the more it sounds like you've been made to suffer through complications that the ordinary person doesn't have to go through. I hope things get better soon.

Also, I'm vaguely disappointed that nobody, to my knowledge, has ever named their vibrator after me. I mean, come on.

1:36 AM  
Blogger Sofi said...

I just got a new one!

I will name it...Police Chief Bill Blair!

10:47 AM  
Blogger Sofi said...

The Chief for short.

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Benjamin said...

Christine: Just put a condom over it and you're good to go.

Sofi: I actually got to tell people about our shopping excursion to Venez Tel Quels the week you moved to Montreal and I stayed with you. And how that employee thought I should take a more active role in choosing "our" toy. *cough*fag*cough Though I didn't name you personally, it was a good story. It may or may not have been accompanied by a drawing of a rabbi pearl vibrator on the [paper] tablecloth at the swank restaurant where we were dining. (The poor waiter!)

2:37 PM  
Blogger Sofi said...

A RABBI pearl vibrator????

Benjamin! Your religion is the fucking COOLEST.

5:47 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

Well, my fault for bringing it up and hoping I could get away with it without you playing that card again.

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Benjamin said...

Oy! What a typo! Though, that would be pretty cool... Instead of the little rabbit the vibrates on the clit, it would be a little pious rabbi, davening rapidly/intensely.

(Davening is the recitation of the prayers; but the connotational imagery os that of a [male] Jew swaying back and forth while praying, bending at the knees/waste, etc.)

And remember kids: it's currently the sabbath - it's a mitzvah to have sex now!

12:56 AM  
Blogger Sofi said...

"Rabbi Curl" vibrator! If you don't take the patent out on it, I WILL.


Also - it's been a while since I've had a good, solid mitzvah.

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ, this is some wicked commenting.

Sofi, I hope everything is continuing to heal properly. I know here in the emergency dept. at KGH I've seen some reduction botch jobs with crazy infections and I'm sending you happy thoughts to stay away from all of that. Hiphophorrayho for the Frankenboobs!!


Also, hello to the ladies on the list. Susan. Daph. I think of you often.

4:13 AM  
Blogger ikk said...

Kind of related to your naming? but as opposite as you can get....I had a really small stuffed bunny (hand-held size for a kid) that I called 'little bunny foo foo' (I was clever and original as a child). When I got older (and consequently, more mature) I renamed her 'bun-bun'. She comforted me at nighttime in different ways than your little bunny foo foo, I suspect. I used to take mine to school.

7:43 PM  

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