Monday, January 09, 2006

Let's Call a Spade a Spade

My fitness resolution is off to a good start!

This morning. 6AM.

Alarm clock: Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep. Meep.

Me: Mmnnnfffflluuhhgahhhbaah! Snoooooooze buttonnnn!

Oddly familiar nasal voice: Don't touch that dial, fatty!

Me: Hey!

Oddly familiar nasal voice: Hey? Don't you mean "oink"?

Me: ...David Spade?

My Inner David Spade: You were expecting Farley? Let's go.

Me: I'm tiiiiiired!

My Inner David Spade: Now I know you want to lie there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work out a little today.

Me: But it's dark out and so collllld!

My Inner David Spade: Wah wah wah. Do you want some cheese to go with that whine?

Me: Mmm...cheese.

My Inner David Spade: Ugh, I can actually HEAR you getting fatter.

Me: Please go away.

My Inner David Spade: Up! Up! Hop to it, Crisco-for-thighs!

Me: I hate you, Inner David Spade!

I wonder if the real David Spade is available to bark motivational insults at me from the foot of my bed. Maybe I'll get in touch with his agent...

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My personal health and fitness guru

(Now playing: Rocky and Dee on CIUT)

4 Comments:

Blogger lindsay said...

this made me giggle a lot.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Ejane said...

NOW do you understand why someone would say they would be specifically happy if David Spade died? Huh?
I defy you to judge me now.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Langblog said...

this post made me laugh out loud a number of times. very funny shit madame. I wish I had your inner child - mine is definitely more Farley-esque in demeanor...

Inner Chris Farley: "GET DRUNK! YELL A LOT! GET RED IN THE FACE! FALL DOWN!!!! IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!"

Me: "YYYYEEEAAHH!"

11:53 PM  
Blogger Susan said...

When I started reading this, I thought you ahd bought one of those programmable Ikea clocks and made that your wake-up message.

My brain is the one with the candy shell, apparently.

2:16 AM  

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