Three Unrelated Things (Posted After Three Point FIve Beers)

1. Umbrellas repel armies of gnats almost as well as they repel the rain.

2. When sitting across from someone who you once gave a blowjob, I triple dog DARE you to not think, "Whoa, I gave you a blowjob once!" It's...just...impossible.

3. I had coffee with my very favourite professor ever today (this is very much disconnected from 2., incidentally) and he observed that playwrighting has to do with the witholding of information, whereas journalism has to do with the revealing of it. I thought that was a neat and true thing to say, so I figured I would document it here.

I think I have chosen the right path for me, since I like to reveal things. Often, I think I maybe reveal too much.

(Now playing: Nothing in particular)

The Other Side of 21

I recently had the bright idea of eating Sidekicks for dinner.

Sidekicks, for those not in the know, are instant pasta-and-sauce in a package.

Here is a small picture of Sidekicks:




Sidekicks are intended to be served as a side dish, flanked by a chicken breast or a pile of brussel sprouts or something.

The other day, I ate them as a main course, a side dish and a dessert.

I used to do this all the time. My former housemate and I would eat Sidekicks for dinner (straight out of the pot, no less) probably at least twice a week during much of our undergrad. Sidekicks were delicious and economical and ever-so-slightly classier than Mr. Noodle. It was a match made in lazy student heaven.

When I re-visited Sidekicks the other day, they did not taste anywhere as good as I remember them tasting. In addition to this, they sat around in my tummy for many an hour, feeling like a cheesy, gelatinous mess.

The conclusion I will draw from this is that I am getting old, and can no longer consume sketchy food products without consequence.

Further evidence of aging: I went to an engineer party in the student ghetto this past weekend, hoping to reclaim wildness of days of yore. I drank peach schnapps, which was my non-beer alcohol of choice in my early twenties. But instead of turning me into a wild party (rah rah, ole!), I got really sleepy and left before midnight.

And you wanna know what? I was pretty happy about that. And you wanna know why? Bedtime is awesome. Sleeping is my favourite thing ever.

Maybe I'll even take a little napsy before the Caribou show tonight...but before I do, could you fetch me some warm milk and my digestive cookies? Go on, junior! Scoot! Don't make me thwap your backside with my cane!

(Now playing: "A Mind's Dying Verse 2", The Russian Futurists)

I Can't Go to Either of These Wicked Shows on Friday Night (But Don't Let That Stop You)

If you happen to be in Toronto:



Montreal's amazing Les Sequelles, who were among my Top Ten Fave Shows of 2004, will be shaking things up at Sneaky Dee's. (Pick up "Tes Chansons Cruelles" or be very, very sorry.)
Stephane Plante (left) makes me happy to be a woman.
Brought to you by the fine lads at Bring 'Em On In.

AND

If you happen to be in Hamilton (although god knows why you would be):



Go for The Orange Alabaster Mushroom.
Stay for The Saffron Sect.
Trust me on this one.

Attend either of these sure-to-be supremely awesome shows and exceed your daily recommended dosage of yummy mod boys.

In the meantime, I eagerly await next Friday's Garage Rock Championship Match, which will pit the menacingly fierce Tijuana Bibles against the mop-topped, rake-thin and slightly pallid Midways.

1-2-3-FIGHT!

(Now playing: "Psychotic Reaction", Count Five)

All This Useless Beauty

Matt Barber + Peter Elkas + Joel Plaskett at the Grad Club = waaaay too much painfully earnest prettiness for one evening.

Mr. Elkas summed up my feelings best when he played the Springsteen classic, "I'm On Fire".


(Many thanks to Keely for taking this photo)

Spontaneous ovulation? Check!

(Now playing: "Your Face is in My Mind", The Orange Alabaster Mushroom)

Noisemaker Makes Good

Congratulations are in order to the lovely and talented Sherwin Tjia on the occasion of the launch of "The World is a Heartbreaker" (and also on a very nice shout-out on Torontoist).

(Now playing: "Wrapped Up in Books", Belle & Sebastian)

Paradise City

I’m remembering why I loved Kingston so completely. It’s small and charming and beautiful and everything or anyone you could ever need is a five minute walk away.

I feel like the best possible version of myself when I am here.

I'm really enjoying my internship so far. The people at the Whig are friendly and funny and are actually interested in who I am and what I want to write for them. It was ridiculous how many times people checked in on me throughout the day to make sure I was doing okay. I would never have experienced anything close to this in Toronto or Montreal.

Some Kingston highlights:

• A kick-ass Hidden Cameras/Dandi Wind show at Elixir
• Frequenting my beloved Toucan three times in as many days
• The happy consumption of much grease from a variety of eateries, including Morrison’s
• Discovering a sooper secret rehearsal of my most favourite Kingston-based band, The Orange Alabaster Mushroom (fronted by the amazing Mr. Greg Watson) at the Scherzo. I sat in on it for a little while and pretended the show was just for me. Since I know Grog will read this: thanks very much for “Lucy Leave”.
  
• A late night sex toy reconnaissance mission with Jenny
• Randomly running into many friends, both new and old

Lindsay will be here soon. We're going to party like it’s 2003.

(Now playing: “Don’t Lead Me On”, The Smoke. And holy smokes!)

Memorize the City

This is my final communiqué from Montreal.

Tomorrow, I’m going to Kingston for a couple of weeks to intern at the Whig-Standard. After that, it’s back to Toronto the Good for good.

Montreal is a beautiful city, but it’s never really felt like home. Toronto is calling me back, and I think that’s where I’m supposed to be, for now.

Things I will miss about Montreal

• The view of the mountain from my bedroom window
• Poutine
• Stunning architecture, especially in the old port
• The strange and lovely smell of coffee and burnt chocolate that permeates St-Denis
• Francophone men, what with their full lips and strong (oft-dimpled) chins and dark eyelashes to here and ever-so-slightly upturned noses and sharp cheekbones, my god they are so beautiful they make me ache all over
• Dirt cheap metropasses
• Churchbells
  
• My amazing, hilarious and obscenely talented classmates
  
• The fact that there are seven wicked independent record shops within a seven minute walking distance from my apartment (Sonik, Le Pick Up, Paul’s Boutique, Primitive, Beatnick, L’Oblique and Le Subalterne)
• St. Viateur bagels
• Buying beer and wine from the corner store

Things I will not miss about Montreal

• French
• Smoking
• Francophone women, what with their huge eyes and slim waists and perfect skin and dark eyelashes to here and slightly upturned noses and sharp cheekbones, my god they are so beautiful they make me want to kick something
• Our leaky goddamned kitchen faucet
  
• Being relatively poor in a city where there are so many beautiful clothes and cool shoes and killer records to be purchased and enjoyed
  

Allez, salut!

(Now playing: “A Bientot”, Ginette)

United We Stand, Divided We Fall (Down Laughing)

I find it inspiring that something of such incomparable beauty rose out of the ashes of September 11th.



Dennis Madalone. Truly, you are an angel among men.

(Praise be to Lukas for the link.)

(Now playing: "America, We Stand As One", Dennis Madalone)

Call Me

I think I just found the perfect job.

I can use my milk-and-honey radio voice and exercise my boundless creativity, to boot. Plus, the money is pretty great.

Is it so wrong that I'm seriously considering this?

(Now playing: "Nighttime Anytime (It's Alright)", The Constantines)

Hail to the Chief

Congratulations, Mr. Blair!

(Now playing: "T-shirt Weather", The Lucksmiths)

President's Choice Frozen Chinese Chicken Chow Mein

Please tell me I did not just spend $4 on half a carrot, a mushroom, a couple of slivers of chicken, and some noodles?

Memories of This is Complete Bullshit.

(Now playing: "Don't You Know", The Midways)

Purple, Rain.

Not long after the announcement from the Vatican, I had to go outside to run an errand. It was just pouring rain and every church bell in my part of the city was tolling. It seemed to me that everyone had on a black coat and carried a black umbrella. I exchanged knowing, sympathetic looks with strangers on the street.

It felt like the end of the world.

I'm not religious. If I were religious, Catholicism would definitely not be my religion of choice. But despite my very liberal views and heathenism (hedonism?), I felt oddly moved by the man's death. Sure, I cracked jokes like everyone else ("Haha, gotcha! April Fool's, everybody! I've got 6 months left in me yet!") but when he died, the significance of the event was difficult to dismiss.

In a way, it was a lot like Terry Schiavo (I know, I know). I spent days thinking, "Just fucking die, already!" but when she died, it was like, "Oh. Okay. So...now what?"

There was a rumour circulating that the white cross on Mount Royal turns purple when a pope dies. Some believed this to be fact. Others dismissed it as an urban myth, saying it started as a joke in a McGill frosh handbook.

It was so foggy last night, I could barely see the mountain, let alone the cross. But a few brave souls trekked up the mountain to discover this:



I hope it's clearer out tonight. I've heard that the cross will remain purple until the new pope is chosen.

Oh, and speaking of purple and rain...

(Now playing: "The Town Halo", A.C. Newman)

...But it's Making a Stop on April First

My 2005 calendar is made up of some of Roy Lichtenstein's cooler comics-style pop art.

I flipped the page today, and this was the image that greeted me.



Now, here is a brief assessment of my life at the present moment:

• No job.
  
• Slimmish job prospects.
  
• Dwindling funds.
  
• No boyfriend.
• Slimmish romantic prospects.
• Moving back with parents in awful, isolated suburb in one month.
• People I know my age and younger are happily married and happily employed and happily shitting out baby after baby after baby, and I still only have my G1 license.
  

The way this girl looks is the way I feel.

(Now playing: "Alright", The Low Tones)