Signed, Sealed, Delivered ***Now with update!***

Anyone remember Donald Sobol's Two Minute Mysteries?

I'm trying to solve one of my own!

Yesterday, I received a mysterious package in the mail. There was no return address.

This is what was inside the package:



A Macedonian newspaper!!!!!

There was no note inside, so I'm trying to figure out who sent me this hilarious and bizarre gift.

I immediately deduced that:

1) The sender must be a close enough friend to have my mailing address,
2) The sender must be familiar with my nationality AND
3) The sender must have an offbeat sense of humour.

This didn't narrow it down much, UNTIL

4) The sender must have a bit of free time on their hands.

Shortlist of suspects:

Mike
Lukas
Ben
Lindsay W
Lindsay L
Matt
Valerie
Hilary
Liz W
Allison
Daphna

However, the envelope the newspaper was inserted in looked like it came from some sort of office, which led me to conclude that

5) The sender has access to an office or works in an office where such supplies are free and plentiful.

That narrowed it down to

Lukas
Lindsay L
Lindsay W
Matt
Allison
Daphna

6) The pensmanship on the envelope was beyond reproach. Meaning it could only be

Lindsay L
Allison
Daphna

7) However, the lovely Daphna mailed me something just the other week. I compared the writing samples. NO MATCH! Leaving me with

Lindsay L
Allison

8) It was at this point that I remembered Allison casually mentioning that she recently mailed Valerie some anonymous newspaper clippings about Queen Elizabeth.

THEREFORE, ALLISON IS MORE-THAN-LIKELY THE ANONYMOUS MACEDONIAN NEWSPAPER CULPRIT!

Mystery solved!

...or is it?

(Now playing: "Baby Boy", Crystal Skulls)


***UPDAAAATE!!!***

Valerie says:
I thought you had narrowed it down to not-me!

Sofi says:
Allison says it was not her.

Sofi says:
And Ben told me that he had, in fact, TOUCHED said newspaper.

Valerie says:
What!!

Valerie says:
WHAT!?!

Valerie says:
Oh how DARE he!

Sofi says:
Cat's out of the bag!

Valerie says:
Dang!

Sofi says:
THANK YOU VALERIE!

Sofi says:
It made me laugh SO. HARD.

Valerie says:
A possibly crazy person gave it to me. Did Ben tell you the story?

Sofi says:
I know nothing. Tell!

Valerie says:
Well it was the day after the party. Ben and I were on the subway to Victoria Park to my aunt's for Easter.

Valerie says:
We were talking and laughing about the party, especially all the Macedonian connections.

Valerie says:
ESPECIALLY the "Macedonian riots of '94"

Sofi says:
Bwah.

Valerie says:
Anyway as we got off, a scruffy guy came up to us and handed me that paper and said, "I heard you talking about Macedonia".

Sofi says:
He just happened to HAVE it?

Valerie says:
Yeah, he was carrying flowers and had just come from SERVICE.

Sofi says:
Church service or the ARMY?

Valerie says:
So of course Ben and I were like, "But Easter's not till next weekend!"

Valerie says:
And he was like, wow, you know!

Sofi says:
Well, you pretty much are Macedonian.

Valerie says:
I know.

Les Filles C'est Fait Pour Boire L'Alcool

I present two esteemed graduates of the reputable and highly exclusive "Resident Friday Night DJ At The Toucan" program:


Photo snapped by Gloria Hong at Zoi Zoi!

You'll note that the alumnae (L-R - Papamarko, Lang) are in their natural habitat and are reluctant to take a break from drinking in order to pose for a photograph.

The Toucan taught them extremely well.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is applied knowledge in action.

(Now playing: "Kamera", Wilco)

Dieu Que C'est Bon!

New York. London. Paris.







BOOKED!

I am a poorer but happier girl.

Et ce soir, a quick strip to Paris avec La Lang pour seulement cinq dollars.

Mon Dieu! C'est vrai! Biff bang POW!

(Now playing: "Champs-Elysees", Christine Pilzer)

We Got No Principals

Do you like Alice Cooper?

Do you like beer?

Do you want to raise money for the Regent Park School of Music?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you should come out to the Boat (158 Augusta @ Dundas) this Thursday (April 20th) for Just School's Out. Eight local DJs will be playing Alice Cooper's classic anti-establishment anthem for SIX. SOLID. HOURS. You can stay for as long as you'd like and have the option of collecting pledges from friends, family and co-workers for every fifteen minute interval that you are able to endure the event. Cover is $5 without a pledge form. Much more information can be found right here.

Things get underway at 8PM sharp. See you then!

P.S. MuchNews will be there, so clean yourselves up a little, hey?

(Now playing: "Pretty Ballerina", Alice Cooper)

Ringleader of the Crashing Bores

From: Sofi
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006
To: Undisclosed Recipients
Subject: Truly disappointed

I just finished listening to Ringleader of the Tormentors.

It is self-indulgent crap.

I could cry.

The end.

-Sofi

P.S. Concession: You Have Killed Me, On The Streets I Ran and At Last I Am Born are exceptions to the suck. But they're still not enough. Thanks for loaning me the CD and saving me $20, Trevor!

From: Aaron
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006
To: Sofi
Subject: RE: Truly disappointed

I could have told you that without you even having to listen to it.

Happy Morrissey = shitty Morrissey

From: Sofi
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006
To: Aaron
Subject: RE: RE: Truly disappointed

I think the solution is clear: grab a club, Aaron, we're finding us some fuzzy baby seals!

From: Aaron
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006
To: Sofi
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Truly disappointed

Only if we can eat their skin while they're still quivering.

(Now playing: "Who Left The Lights Off Baby", Guillemots)

All Killer No Filler

One of the best things about visiting Kingston is the music I often come away with. The city's music nerd population is pretty low (at least when compared to Toronto's), so there's a ton of great shit to be found.

Check it!



I've never seen any of this stuff in Toronto's record shops. You wanna know why? Because it's all been picked over by more tenacious music geeks with more time on their hands.

Zap Records and Chumleigh's and Brian's Record Option (which I didn't get a chance to peek into this time) and The Jungle rule. Honestly, worth the trip to Kingston alone.

Go for the records! Stay for Pan Chancho!

(Now playing: "Solid Gold Mountain Top", Tangerine Peel)

Papa Was A Rollin' Stone

Photography (c) 2006 Art Litwell

Susan urged me to apply for this.

For those of you too lazy to click on links, it's an application to appear on an MTV reality television show. Sound a bit icky? Well...yes. But get this - the grand prize is a one-year contract as a music writer for Rolling Stone.

Holy!!

I frantically filled out the application form and made plans with these great guys to shoot my audition tape. When Caitlin and I met up at Shanghai Cowgirl, I gushed to her about the opportunity and told her to apply.

But sweet Caitlin, though she embraces an irresponsible rock 'n' roll lifestyle, was the levelheaded voice of reason.

"I've thought about it," she said. "But if I did get on the show, I don't think I'd ever be taken seriously as a music journalist again."

From the mouths of babes, people!

I don't want to become the Ryan Malcolm of music journalism. So I did not and will not apply.

Just in case I regret this decision, here is a list of very sound reasons why I decided against it:

• Reality TV? Gross!
• I would never again be taken seriously in the industry, whether or not I was victorious.
• If I won, other journalists would shun me because I did not adequately pay my dues.
• New York City is fun for a few days, but would be really scary to live in. While I love its amazing energy, the place hardens you.
  
• I would have to postpone my trip to Europe. Fuck that noise!
  
• Toronto is full of good things. Family, friends, super awesome boy, thriving music community, plenty of writing opportunities, etc. This city has never felt more like home than it does right now.
  

Maybe someday we will be together, Rolling Stone.

But not yet.

(Now playing: "All Leads Back", The Saffron Sect)

Starstruck, Part Deux

Friday night was the lovely Anji's 28th birthday. To celebrate, we went to a swank martini bar on College where the equally lovely Christine bartends.

Not long after we got there, Christine mentioned that Clive Owen was on the other side of the room. He's filming a movie in Toronto and hangs out at the aforementioned bar occasionally.

I decided that I had to "go to the bathroom" and walked right by the very handsome actor, who was clad in a dark suit and white collared shirt.

Now, which is the cooler story? Telling people that I saw Clive Owen in a bar? Or telling people that I talked to Clive Owen in a bar?

I approached Clive and introduced myself. He's quite tall. And quite attractive. (I never thought so before - but I suppose standing next to pretty pretty Jude Law would make anyone look like a bloated ogre.) He may be "ugly sexy" in the movies, but in real life he is just "sexy sexy". His eyes are very blue and piercing and his teeth are very white.

Even though I was 95% sober, I don't remember much of what was said (it was pretty loud, so there were a lot of "pardon me?"s). He definitely touched me on the arm, because I distinctly remember thinking to myself "Whoa, Clive Owen just touched me." I may or may not have called him Mr. Owen at some point. Yikes.

I did tell him that we were there celebrating my friend Anji's 28th birthday, and if he would mind wishing her a happy one. He said to bring her over.

And Clive Owen wished Anji a happy birthday! They proceeded to nod and smile politely at one another and it was just a tad awkward...and also TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

But I still hate Closer.


Thanks be to Optimus for this stellar illustration!

(Now playing: "Midnight To Six Man", The Pretty Things)